Hi Y’all! It’s been over a year since my last blog post, and boy oh boy do I have a lot to catch you up on!
Recently on social media, I’ve begun to talk about some health issues I’ve been experiencing and about what I’m doing every day to stay up beat. Some folks took my initial post as a cry for help, which was really sweet, but that wasn’t my intention. Instead, the point is to share my story and maybe that would inspire someone else to share theirs… and as we’re sharing, maybe we can find further healing within ourselves.
So what the hell is going on with me? A few things:
- 2019 was a year of depression that started in Dec 2018 when I became OBSESSED with my weight. (At least, this is what I think started it.) Yeah, yeah, yeah, boring. I know! I have so much to say on this too as I’ve done A LOT of personal work facing my fat phobia and trying to deconstruct it. But let’s move on shall we?
- Along with depression, I deal a lot with feeling isolated and lonely. This is nothing new. It’s been going on for 3 years now and it’s something I work on CONSTANTLY.
- I’m having knee issues and struggle to walk on a daily basis. I juggle between being bed ridden and a partial amount of mobility.
Let’s dig into the knee issues today. Back in 2007, my ride-or-die and I were snowboarding with a group of friends/co-workers; and before we even began our last run of the day, pretty soon after we got off the chair lift, I injured my knee. I was having trouble standing, and had an old trick I used to do when I snowboarded regularly, where while seated, you plop yourself from your bum onto your knees, essentially turning yourself around so you’re now facing the incline of the mountain. This allows you to stand up (albeit backwards) so that you can gain balance and take off on your run. Well, this day, when I plopped, my poor, left knee hit a rock and sharp, excruciating, and debilitating pain shot through my entire being. My bestest offered to get help but embarrassment won out and I (probably further injured myself in the process) struggled down the mountain alone, and not on my snowboard. I think it took me 2 hours to get all the way down because I could hardly walk and was in blinding ass pain.
Y’all, one of my life lessons for you here: NEVER be too proud or afraid to ask for help. Who knows what would’ve happened if I had her get Ski Patrol? I could’ve avoided YEARS of pain and frustration. I try not to regret anything in life, because the challenges we face make us who we are. But honestly, this is one thing I definitely regret. I wish I asked for help.
Anyway, this blog isn’t about that so much as catching us all up on why I’ve been MIA for so long.
A few weeks ago, an almost-year-long depression lifted from me as the weather here in the Deep South finally cooled down. It was a lovely, Monday afternoon and I took myself for a walk on my lunch break. It had been several MONTHS since I last went on a walk around our neighborhood and I was FEELING IT! The blue skies, mild temperatures, and fresh air were making me feel almost high as I (foolishly, but guided by happiness) hauled ass around the 4 cul de sacs that make up our subdivision… I was having a blast!!! By that evening, I knew I did too much as my legs were feeling a little stiff and my knee had that “uh oh” feeling. (If you deal with some kind of injury yourself, I’m sure you can relate.)
Fast forward to the following Wednesday evening, 2 days later, and I decide that I need to rearrange some things in the office. I’m repeatedly getting under the desk to unplug and re-plug things in, up and down, up and down. Further exacerbating whatever strength I had in my knee. During one such episode of this, where I was already feeling cautious due to the state of my knee… it happened. A shooting, searing, sharp-as-fuck, pain searing up and down my entire left leg. I was under a desk and I couldn’t move. Any way I tried to position myself felt like torture.
I couldn’t move. I also couldn’t stay in whatever position I was, as I was under a desk… but I couldn’t move!! Of course I was crying pretty hysterically at this point because of the pain, but also because of fear. “What did I just do?” I thought to myself. “Am I going to be in pain forever?!” It really felt like it. “Maybe I can live under this desk for the rest of my life.”
After some time, careful maneuvering, and complete luck, my wonderful husband helped get me into an office chair and wheeled me to our bedroom where I was then banished to the bed for the rest of the evening. I managed to find a comfortable enough position and pouted for the next few hours. I’m not a very good patient; I’ll admit. And once I was confined to our bed, I had to pee (of course). So I spent an entire hour massaging parts of my leg and knee to “put it back in place” so I could get to the restroom. This trick usually works and when I find the sweet spot, I can usually walk around again no problem. I didn’t manage to find that “sweet” spot, but I did manage to hobble to the bathroom and back into the bed.
(I haven’t been able to “walk around again no problem” since that Monday when I had the brilliant idea to take a walk. Ok, I’m definitely berating myself now, I’ll stop. I’m just really pissed!!! I’ve been depressed forever, I finally feel like myself and I fucking injure myself?! WTF!!!!! Ok, deep breath.)
On Thursday I still couldn’t walk so I finally had the idea to look for a knee doctor online and got an appointment for that very day. While checking in, the receptionist saw that I couldn’t walk and offered me a wheel chair. I almost broke down sobbing at her kindness (I’m VERY emotional so I cry a lot!) and felt an overwhelming sense that I was going to be taken care of by these people.
The doctor gave me a cortisone shot and I was able to freaking walk out of there!! I was again riding a high thinking “what if THIS is it?! The thing that heals me?” I’ve been dealing with off and on knee issues for 12 years. I’ve been to the doctor various times and got nothing. (Granted, I was seeing my regular doctor back then, not a specialized one.) I even had fantasies of wearing my heels again!!
About a week and half after this doctor visit it’s now Tuesday and I was feeling well enough to attempt another walk outside (can you sense the foreshadowing?). I promised my hubby and one of my bffs (who I chat with at work) that I would take it easy and go REALLY slow. And I did, I went really slowly, and I only got around 2 of the cul de sacs in our neighborhood. When I was about done with my predetermined route, I started feeling that “uh oh” in my knee again.
Sure enough, I effing triggered the injury again and have been hobbling around since last Wednesday. Today’s Monday again and luckily, I have another appointment with the knee doctor.
So that’s what’s been going on… I’m injured and mostly confined to my house. I have limited mobility and I’m really upset about it. I have multiple emotions every day, ranging from complete defeat and despair, to hope, and everything in between. I even have a lot of anger (I’m not usually an angry person as my default setting is optimism).
I’m going to continue to write about my journey as I really hope telling my story inspires others to do the same. I’m not just going to be bitching about my pain, but I’ll be writing about the things I’m doing every day to keep my sanity and continue my personal work.
If you made it this far, THANK YOU! Please leave a little comment to let me know you read the whole thing. And thank you for still being around. I appreciate it so much! <3
Sending you all the love!